


An atypical mating encounter, facilitated by gavur spores, between members of the species H. sapiens

by ancientreader



Series: Sex Pollen in Shetland [1]
Category: Shetland (TV)
Genre: Gen, Sex Pollen, what happens when two people with absolutely no sexual chemistry get a dose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-07 17:36:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14086095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ancientreader/pseuds/ancientreader
Summary: Sex pollen is universally 100% effective. I said,Sex pollen is universally 100% effective.Scientists have proved this.





	An atypical mating encounter, facilitated by gavur spores, between members of the species H. sapiens

#### Ezgeplat, Trebletish, Werrego, and Lefter. An atypical mating encounter, facilitated by _gavur_ spores, between members of the species _H. sapiens_. _Journal of Alien Sexual Practices_ , vol. 9378, no. 6.

* * *

We report here a successful use of _gavur_ spores on two subjects of the species _H. sapiens_. The sexual encounter that followed administration of the spores took a form that has not been previously described in the scientific literature.

The spores were diffused in the species’ natural habitat: the dwelling of one individual, here designated Subject A. The dwelling is typical of the species in that it features a number of openings which the inhabitant may close or open at will. Once the ambient temperature drops below the point at which dihydrous oxygen solidifies (and usually even when the temperature is considerably higher), Subject A invariably closes these portals (“windows”), although one or two of the larger portals (“doors”) may be opened during brief intervals to enable either Subject A or another individual to enter or exit the dwelling.

This feature of the dwelling provides near-ideal conditions in which to observe the spores’ effects: While closure does not produce a hermetically sealed environment, previous experiments with _gavur_ spores (see, for example, the pioneering work of [Dr. Tos](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/This_Side_of_Paradise_\(Star_Trek:_The_Original_Series\))), have demonstrated that its effects are reliably potent even when it is released into unenclosed atmosphere.

The present experiment was conducted on an evening when the ambient temperature was well below that indicated earlier. Subject B arrived at Subject A’s dwelling and signaled his desire to enter. This was accomplished by means of repeated blows with one of the paired upper limbs to the more prominent of the dwelling’s “doors.” The blows were accompanied with a vocalization, which we have recorded:

> Subject B: Come on, Jimmy, it’s perishing out here!

Subject A approached the “door,” subvocalizing unintelligibly; upon opening the “door,” he increased the volume of his vocalization:

> Subject A: Okay, you better come in.

Subject B then entered the dwelling; once Subject A had closed the “door,” we released the _gavur_ spores.[1]

The effect was robust. Subject A and Subject B at once began the first phase of the mating encounter, an exchange of vocalizations, as follows:

> Subject A: What is it this time, fight or flight?  
>  Subject B: Ah, nobody’s chucking anybody. Just a stupid argument and I needed to cool off.  
>  Subject A: Okay.  
>  Subject B: Thought I’d see what my co-parent was up to this lovely evening.

Subject B now removed the external layer of the flexible material in which members of the species generally encase themselves. Commonly, some or all of these layers are removed during mating; this behavior therefore marked the second stage of the spores’ effect.

> Subject A: Put that in the bathroom, will you? You’re dripping all over the floor.  
>  Subject B: Eh, sorry.

Subject B briefly entered a smaller chamber, where he deposited the external covering. (The smaller chamber is of a type associated with the removal of waste; we speculate that deposition of the covering there may have a symbolic function. This is a matter for further investigation.)

Subject B then returned swiftly to Subject A. Speed is a well-described feature of movement toward a mate and is frequently depicted in the sacred works of the species.[2]

Upon Subject B’s return, the pair resumed their vocal exchanges.

> Subject A: Whisky?  
>  Subject B: God, yeah.

As many observers of _H. sapiens_ have noted, invocations of supernatural beings feature regularly during the species’ mating rituals and some observers consider that they may even be obligatory. Such invocations take many forms; some common examples are “Oh, Jesus,” “God, fuck, yeah,” “Oh God right there,” “Jesus I’m so close,” and, of course, “God, yeah,” as uttered by Subject B in the exchange above.

Immediately subsequent to this exchange, Subject A provided Subject B with a clear container (a “glass”) while retaining an identical container for himself. Roughly similar containers, composed largely of silica, are used to hold liquids of various types all of which are apparently held sacred and which are often ingested in large quantities as a preliminary to mating.

Subject A produced a container (a “bottle”; also silica-based) of sacred liquid from a concealed shelf in the area of his dwelling where most food preparation occurs, and transferred equal portions of the liquid into Subject B’s “glass” and then into his own.

The subjects then brought their “glasses” into brief contact.

> Subjects A and B (simultaneously): Cheers.

Both subjects then immediately ingested some of the liquid; upon doing so, Subject B produced further vocalizations:

> Subject B: Man, this is good.

While somewhat atypical, this is obviously closely related to other, more familiar mating-related vocalizations, such as the common “God, that’s so good,” which combines the “good” marker with the previously discussed invocation of a supernatural being.

Subjects A and B then disposed themselves on a long, narrow artifact of a type found in many dwellings; it comprises a rigid frame to which are attached soft rectangular objects constituted of flexible material similar to that in which members of the species encase their bodies.

As they lowered themselves onto opposite ends of the artifact, both subjects emitted breathy sounds (“Ah!”) that most researchers believe indicate satisfaction. Mating, then, had been completed.

The subjects remained in this post-mating configuration for some time, occasionally exchanging further vocalizations and ingesting more of the sacred liquid. A recording of the entirety of the vocalizations appears as Appendix A; we also reproduce a particularly interesting sample here:

> Subject B: You take up baking, Jimmy?  
>  Subject A: No, why?  
>  Subject B: Smells like you might have baked something.  
>  Subject A: Our mother-in-law gave me some scented candles.  
>  Subject B: Ah. You’ve been burning those.  
>  Subject A: No, no. They’re just kind of strong.  
>  Subject B: You could say that.

On the basis of this exchange, it is hypothesized that the olfactory organs of _H. sapiens_ are sensitive to _gavur._

Eventually the vocalizations ceased and the subjects’ musculature appeared to become flaccid. The subjects remained in this condition for 1.3 time units, after which first one, then the other left his position on the artifact.

> Subject B: I’ll be off, then.  
>  Subject A: Work things out with Mary, will you?  
>  Subject B: Eh, I’m trying hard this time.  
>  Subject A: I’m glad to hear that. Night, Duncan.  
>  Subject B: Night, Jimmy.

We have found these results fascinating and we intend further studies of mating in this species. The mating procedure of these subjects would seem to be a particularly fruitful topic of investigation, and we encourage other researchers to join us.

 

 

[1] The authors wish to thank Professor Driglet for his work on miniaturizing the spore-delivery system, without which our field experiments would be far more difficult.

[2] Indeed, members of the species often throng together to view these works, after which individuals not infrequently pair off in order to mate.

**Author's Note:**

> Why, you ask, are scientists from other planets using Earth citation format and Linnaean nomenclature? _Because this is crackfic,_ that's why. Let me tell you how hard it was not to give sex pollen the scientific name _Cerinthus amatorius._ I am a model of restraint. 
> 
> _Gavur_ is [Cumbric for "goat,"](https://cumbraek.wordpress.com/explore/animals/) and goats are proverbially horny, as TSylvestris is aware, so. I picked a Cumbric word because the language is rare and because I thought the borrowing was unlikely to offend anybody.


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